A Dating Guide For The Socially Anxious
WRITTEN BY: Melanie
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I can’t do this. My heart was racing, my hands were sweating, and I felt like I was going to throw up any second. It was going to be my first date off a dating app, and as someone who struggles with social anxiety, dating was not in the cards for me.
Growing up, I always had a tough time talking to the opposite gender. I would get nervous, clam up, and stay quiet. Fast forward to college, I never dated and would shy away from any guys that made eye contact with me. My dating timeline was basically nonexistent, and I felt like I would never meet someone because of my social anxiety. Little did I know that this first date would become the first of many dates with many different people. Though my first dating app experience didn’t go as bad as I thought, I realized that if I wanted to get better at dating, I’d have to face my social anxiety head-on.
So that’s exactly what I did. I embarked on a dating journey and wanted to share the best dating tips and lessons learned from a socially anxious person.
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5 Dating Tips for the Socially Anxious
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1. Meet Sooner Than Later
If you’re currently texting a guy you met through a dating app, it’s best to meet as soon as possible. But just make sure that you’ve studied your conversation enough to know that you feel comfortable meeting this person. With social anxiety, it can be tempting just to have conversations through text because it’s comfortable for us. We don’t have to show our faces, read the room, or experience anxiety when meeting someone new.
But if you’re like me, the more I text, the more I start to worry about running out of topics to talk about in person. Trust me, that’s happened to me multiple times. So I’ve learned that the best way to get to know someone, no matter how terrifying it might be, is to meet in person. By doing so, you’ll also get a better idea of who the person is - his quirks, mannerisms, and body language. These things can only be assessed through meeting in person!
2. Do An Interactive Activity Together
If you are socially anxious like me, the best first date idea is to do an interactive activity together. I’m not talking about meeting at a coffee shop and sitting down face-to-face. I’m talking about going mini-golfing, painting together, hiking, or bowling.
I always suggest doing something interactive with your date because it takes the pressure off both of you to keep the conversation going. As someone who feels the need to carry the conversation or gets nervous when there are awkward silences, I feel like a fun activity distracts me from thinking those thoughts. You also get to make more fun memories on your dates and learn more about each other through the activities. So I highly recommend doing interactive activities together to take that pressure off yourself!
3. Practice Self-Compassion
Have you caught yourself being really critical when you fumble over your words or say something seemingly ‘stupid’ or ‘silly’ during a date? And then, after the date, you ruminate over your interactions and what you could’ve said differently. Does that sound familiar?
People with social anxiety tend to really struggle with practicing self-compassion. We care too much about how people perceive us, and we’re afraid we’ll say something embarrassing when talking. Before my first dates, I would be so hard on myself. I would subconsciously tell myself that I shouldn’t show any signs of nervousness and anxiety, or else I’d make my date feel uncomfortable. But don’t most people get nervous when meeting someone new, especially on a date? Exactly.
My dating journey has taught me how important it is to have self-compassion for myself. Self-compassion is essentially acknowledging and validating your honest emotions and telling yourself that it’s okay to feel the way you feel.
If you’re nervous before a date, tell yourself that it’s okay to feel nervous because a lot of people do as well. If you’re anxious about awkward silences during a date, validate your emotions and realize that silence is a very normal part of the dating experience. If you said something that you think sounded ‘stupid,’ tell your inner critic that it’s not helping you feel better, and give yourself a moment of kindness.
Self-compassion is a skill that needs to be consistently worked on. It doesn’t happen overnight, but the more you practice it on yourself, the easier it’ll become. Self-compassion is a game-changer when it comes to dating.
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4. Turn Your Attention Inside Out
Do you ever get so in your head about how you appear to the other person? How do I look? Am I turning red? I hope he can’t see how nervous I am!
Our anxious thoughts and emotions overwhelm us when we focus our attention on ourselves. It becomes challenging to be present with our date because we’ve become so consumed with how we look and act. Here’s a really helpful tip to make you feel more confident when you get in your head. Turn your attention toward your date. Focus on the message of what he is saying to you. This will interrupt your inner critic and shift your attention to what’s going on in front of you. What is he saying to you? Focus on his words.
With more practice, you’ll be able to shift your attention away from monitoring your thoughts and words.
5. Dare To Be Average
This is such an important tip because I think many of us with social anxiety tend to see dating as a ‘this person has to like me or else’ experience. We put so much pressure on ourselves to be liked and approved by others.
The desire for approval can be so strong that the possibility of rejection may seem too difficult to handle. I get it because I’ve been there. I felt like each guy interested in me meant that I was more worthy, valuable, and desirable. So I did what I could to not get rejected. I rarely voiced my opinions because I was scared that disagreeing would lead to getting rejected. I made sure my pet peeves sounded ‘okay’ so my date wouldn’t think I was too picky or needy. I was scared to act silly or make a joke because I thought it’d be a turn-off.
But I realized that the more I kept my true, authentic self hidden and small, I felt like I was losing myself in the process of dating. These guys didn’t really know me. They only knew a perfectly curated version of myself. So I challenged myself to be average. I lowered my sky-high expectations and told myself that it was okay not to be perfect. This allowed me to have more fun on dates, take the pressure off myself, and become less filtered during conversations.